o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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