when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
