dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
