I think I won the penis lottery.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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