Pants 0. Shit 1.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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