god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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