True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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