How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
