Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
