You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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