Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
