Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
