I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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