In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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