I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i wish my penis had a tongue
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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