i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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