maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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