A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
