could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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