You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
