Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
