im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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