Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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