Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize