Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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