my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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