why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I will pee on everything he values.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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