he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
