Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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