My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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