i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
