I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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