There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
