My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
