I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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