Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
