true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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