I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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