MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
