So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
