my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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