it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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