Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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