My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
