he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
