Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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