I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
