Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
