i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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