Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize