one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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