Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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