i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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