You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
