nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
