How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i drank out of a bidet.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
