i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
