he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
