im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
