i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
