hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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