her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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