if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
